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What
do you do with a life? Given one, beyond the odds. Consider
the goldfish in the hotel lobby, swimming endless, monotonous
circuits inside a glass tank. Can't even sleep, that goldfish.
What's the deal with fish not being able to sleep? Does God
hate goldfish? No sex, no booze, no Superbowl (maybe the one
it gets flushed down); it's a wonder God even lets them die.
Call this a life? Around and around he goes, that little goldfish,
the worst delirium nightmare imaginable, endless geometrical
deja vu; even a rat trapped inside a maze has purpose; a clear,
if futile impetus; that is, to escape. But to the goldfish,
there's no escape; incessant, delirious orbits is reality
in all it's potential savor.
The
seventh collapse of sobriety happened inside the Jena Inn,
in Mexico City, across the plaza from the Hotel Garbage. The
shrieking magenta neon Hotel Garbage sign struck Cubby Diller
as hilarious from his tenth floor Jena Inn balcony. Six airline-sized
Don Cuervos... a Hotel Garbage sign... and Cubby Diller was
as near to grasping postmodern ironies as could be managed
by his thick, sodden, vague, mechanical brain. At the time
(seven in the evening, first day in), the name 'Hotel Garbage'
was, to him, a big fucking laugh. He figured it was the result
of some pretentious Mexican's pidgin grasp of English, and
he guffawed and shook his head over and over and over and
over, though in the morning, still drinking, and somehow less
confused, he realized that the sign said 'Hotel Garage' and
was actually a parking structure meant for those Jena patrons
with balls enough to wield vehicles through that raw, congested
labyrinth. The city was a little slice of hell, ringed by
volcanoes, battered by earthquakes, slowly sinking into a
massive lake bed; there was cholera in the aquifers, amebic
dysentery in the lettuce, lysteria in the chalupas, retroviruses
in the prostitutes, thieves in the waiters, and as for the
cops, don't even go there... might as well treat them like
the Lions Club panhandlers hawking flags at the red lights
and pay them off as soon as they approach, without waiting
for the details.
Second
day in, feeling lucid for the first time in three months,
his head as clear as the sky beyond the manila-colored soot-canopy,
maintaining his expansive mood, Cubby commandeered a cab,
and headed toward a business meeting at the Crowne Plaza,
across town. He was utterly tuned into every moment during
that cab ride, the minutiae of every moment. Born again. He
could subdivide each moment into an endless series of increments.
Each passerby seethed, an individual metropolis, an infinite
sequence of glittery contractions. Broad, perpetual, counterfeit
grins hung on everybody everywhere, big as the one on the
Cleveland Indian mascot. Everybody was teeth! So vibrant,
extant. So wise. The men all wore green and red flags in their
lapels and cast Cubby looks of: 'Don't think I'm not on to
your game'.
Cubby's
game was extremely complex, far more elaborate than he himself
understood. It was an obscure, subterranean performance; it
welled from a mystery fountain, like the one from which Samuel
Coleridge dredged Kublai Khan while sleeping; and in Cubby,
it made itself manifest three or four times each year, when
VelCor Bearings (his employer), sent him to Mexico to sort
out hysterical quality blips. VelCor manufactured guts that
animated automotive driveshafts throughout the civilized world,
but there were several insulating tiers of sub-assemblers
between VelCor and the big players, the car builders, so these
trips were basically meant to offer a show of commitment and
a bit of technical support, and were not particularly difficult
to handle. Otherwise, Diller would not have gone. He would
not have been capable. But the small VelCor office was in
Akron, and everybody else in it, chalky, tubby, naive Caucasians,
had an irrational fear of Mexico. Cubby Diller, for a number
of reasons, did not suffer from this particular phobia, this
aversion; at least, not to the point of physical debility.
So Diller was the body that went to represent the VelCor viewpoint
during the hysterics. Every time.
Other
than that, he was a pea for the thrust-bearing industry pod;
fifty-six years old; overweight, half- blind, hypnotically
unambitious; he'd spent the past thirty-five years doing a
sad rustbelt manufacturing ladder-climb, going from an existence
of intolerable brutality to one of tolerable dullness, from
twelve hour stamping-plant shifts, through union ultimatums,
seniority default promotions, mercy raises, to a floppy, non-vital,
and largely undeserved white-collar engineering gig with an
office and a Palm Pilot. He considered himself both untalented
and tremendously fortunate to earn what he earned, and he
was right: he did nothing throughout the course of his days
but give occasional, unsound, ultimately ignored advice to
much younger CAD designers. He had a ghastly wife who corrected
his grammar, two grown children to whom he hadn't spoken in
a long time, a Lawnboy, a split-level in Cumberland Heights,
a mobile home on Northern Michigan acreage, a 401k worth maybe
a hundred thousand. He had a low- def, but expensive Magnavox
and a preference for A&E shows on Vietnam (an engagement
from which he'd been exempted: lousy eyesight); he kept an
old list of MIA's in a bureau drawer, and on occasion, he
pored over the names with a peculiar, ineffable rapture, perplexed
and intrigued by a system where men could melt away, dissolve,
leave no trace. Otherwise, his existence moved forward without
the slightest tint of technicolor. He rambled through each
of his allotted increments, a dutiful myrmidon. He had no
particular dreams. No gifts, no outrageous passions. He coveted
nothing, neither his neighbor's goods nor his wife. (In fact,
he hadn't thought about poontang subjectively since 1984).
All his shirts had armpit ovals. He attended weekend Christian
Fellowship retreats at Lake Lavigne. The only Byronic, non-predictable,
exciting thing he'd ever done was to drunk-drive a blue Dodge
150 into a service transformer at six o'clock one morning
and emerge without two of his teeth. From the hospital, in
lieu of jail, he'd headed to a series of court-mandated, VelCor-financed,
personally-welcomed AA moments, and since then, he'd mostly
steered clear of hooch and transformers.
In
fact, AA moments were little and late; his career was very
nearly over by then and his position would evaporate with
the next fiscal downsizing. If he sensed it, he didn't let
on. In the meantime, he'd go eagerly to the altar when the
automotive Aztecs wanted a sacrifice. From Cleveland to Columbus
to Dallas to Mexico; a long day up and down. He spent every
minute of it in a kind of Pavlovian dipsomaniacal frenzy,
waiting for the final touchdown: he'd worked out his suburban
alcoholism so effectively that he scarcely found any temptations
in Akron, not inside familiar bars, not inside Vat 69 billboards,
not inside hi-tech Miller ads; but these occasional business
trips to Mexico had become his pressure cock, and since nothing
much was required of him at the meetings, where the reports
were generally given by overdressed men from Japan, and he
didn't find anything even slightly perplexing in himself falling
off the wagon with both feet, several times a year, directly
onto the dusty Aeropuerto tarmac.
If
it wasn't for a string of brightly-colored souvenirs he'd
returned with, over and over and over again, to the utter
horror of the ghastly wife... that would have been the end
of that.
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